Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Fashion Don't 1

Now I love stilettos as much as the next drag queen but??? It okay to struggle for fashion but know when to throw in your hand. SJP please put on some ballerina flats immediately

chateu r's 1st talent show

So folks it looks like we’re still having trouble paying the bills in château R. I wonder if that has anything to do with R’s very shady accountant Seeking Alpha. Well once again, the gang had to hatch a plan to figure out how they were going to pay another large bill.

This time chic noir came up with a novel idea of having a talent show featuring the men of chateau R. Chic Noir questioned each residents for any natural talents that they have. Like groups of people anywhere, some have more natural talent (HBD?) than others.

So the day of the show comes around and here is how things went down.

Chic Noir is backstage running around like a chicken with its’ head cut off trying to keep everyone and everything organized.

First person out to perform, Lurker….

*lurker walks to the stage with his violin*

* the crowd gets so quite you can hear a pin drop

Just as lurker places his bow on the strings, one of the females working concessions drops a bottle of soda.

*lurker looks up like a wild animal*

*lurker lets loose*

“You idiot,, you k*mstain… you f f face… how dare you make a sound while I’m performing.”

*lurker jumps from the stage and charges like a pull *

*concessions worker looks like a dear in the headlights*

*concessions worker screams for dear life

Two alphas white night the young woman and save her life.

After the crowd calms down, Chic Noir walks to the stage to introduce the next act.

Ladies,alphas,betas and omegas… the next act I’m going to introduce you to is our very own number one alpha . Ladies and gentleman, please put your hands together for doug dapper.

*audience claps*

Doug does a Jeff Foxworthy esq piece on Alphas and Betas.

You know you’re an alpha when you just walk past women and give them gina tingles.

* the inconspicuous beta ( AJ travis’s friend) looks pissed*

Doug: You know you’re an beta when even you’re houseplants turn away from you.

* inconspicuous beta pulls out his list to underline and highlight doug’s name*

Doug: you know you’re an beta when, you go on a date with a woman, spend all your money and only get a kiss on the cheek at the end of the night.

The beta and omegas start to boo doug while the alphas fall over with laughter.

inconspicuous beta is really pissed now, he pulls out a voodoo doll in the image of doug and starts stabbing it.

*whiskey thinks to himself*
“I know doug isn’t telling these people my secrets”

Chic noir sees the commotion and has to think of a way to calm audience down before a full scale riot breaks out.

Chic noir thinks to self: I must put on a unifying or calming act next.

* a light bulb turns on in chic noir’s head*

Chic noir to self: I’ll put on my sweetheart next.

Chic noir to goes on stage: Ladies,alphas,beta and omegas lets give it up for doug1 one more time.

*sparse applause amongst loud boos are heard*

*chic noir ducks a tomato*

Chic noir: yikes

Chic noir: okay ladies and gentleman, this next act is my very own sweetheart. Please welcome Default User performing ….Michael Jackson’s Billie Jean.

*Chic noir thinks to self*
I sure hope default isn’t trying to tell me something with his choice of song.

Default takes to the stage and does his best MJ impersonation with silver glove and sequin jacket. Default even has on the MJ style high water pants, thick white socks and penny loafers. The women of château R as well as those visiting, scream with delight. A few women pass out from seeing default command that stage like an alpha and pump his pelvis and grab his junk as if the spirit of Michael Jackson has entered his body.

Default even gets his “hehe oww” and “shamons” to sound just like MJ’s.

Default completes his performance to wild applause, bows and exits the stage.

Chic noir takes to the stage: okay folks lets give it up for my man, default user.

*crowd burst in another round of applause, loud cheering, and a standing ovation*

*Chic noir looks out into the audience with the world’s biggest Colgate smile on her face*

*chic noir’s happiness with her man’s (yes aoefe, my man) performance is beyond words*

*chic noir prepares to announce the next performer*

Chic noir: Ladies and Gentlemen… I would like to announce Davis Alexander, he will be performing a song he wrote himself.

*the piano is wheeled out*

Now this isn’t just any piano. It’s a alpha grand piano of the highest order. It was made to accommodate and be played by alphas and alphas only. In the event that a beta or omega attempts to play it, the fall-board will slam shut on a beta or omega’s fingers.

*the fall board has been tied back to protect the fingers of DA*

It took much coaching from Joe, Nicole, t, and chic noir to get DA to perform. We knew he had musical talent but DA was unwilling to show it. DA thinks that showing, his talent will give the stereotype of blk folks having a natural gift for music more credence.

*DA meekly walks on stage and seats himself at the piano*

* the crowd sits on the edge of their seats

DA starts playing the piano and sings….

♫Life of a beta…so sad and blur.

♫Walking up to an eight and having her look at you with so much hate…life of beta♫

♫Life of a beta… so sad and blue. Life of a beta, never knowing if a girl is really in to you♫

♫Walking up to a 10 and having her pretend that you aren’t there while she plays with her hair… life of a beta♫

♫Life of beta … so sad and blue. Life of a beta… knowing no woman really wants you♫

♫Having a six turn her back on you while making a face like your breath smells like dodo♫

♫Life of beta … so sad and blue. Life of a beta… thinking the humiliation is not worth going thru♫

*The crowd is really feeling DA at this point…. And people are singing the chorus right along with him word for word*

*DA gets pumped and pours out raw emotion*

♫But I got my baby Athena, she makes me feel like a real man. She takes my hand and tells me baby just be as alpha as you can. I never thought I would meet a woman with whom I could bond, who lets me keep all my blkonblond ♫

♫Life of beta so sad and blue. Life of betttttttttttttttttttttttttttttaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa ♫

*DA slumps on the keyboard after he is done*

The crowd breaks into a thunderous applause. There is not a dry eye in the house. The omegas are in the back row crying and rolling around on the floor like two year olds. The betas are crying too.

Even the alphas are crying but not like everyone else. See alpha tears are different. With alphas, one tear sneaks down onto the cheekbone to check it anyone is watching. If someone is watching, the tear just rest on the cheekbone like a drop of sweat. If no one is watching, it makes a quick exit from the cheekbone down into the alphas shirt collar.

Even the ladies are moved by DA’s performance.

Sophia and Keith kiss like newlyweds

Aoefe and Bhetti, who normally despise weakness in a man, group hug random omegas.

Kym, al, bonnie and the other feminists, for once have empathy for men and give out sweet hugs.

Dana the bitter beta hatter feels a moment of charity brought on by DA’s song. She takes three random betas into the back. As the four were walking to the back row, a lowly z-list omega walks up to dana and with down cast eyes ,shoulders slumped, and the voice of a 5 year old girl asks if he can come too. Dana looks at him with a look of disgust but then the chorus of DA’s song plays thru her head. Dana invites the omega to back the row. In 15 minutes, dana put the four to sleep.

Lucky enough, R raised enough money to save his home this time.